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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 27, 2011 1:30pm-2:00pm PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) >> dr pepper presents, teamfest coachella 011. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪. >> stephen: whooo! whooo! whooo! (cheers and applause) whooo! whooo, whooo, whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!
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>> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thanks for joining us, folks. it is the last night of my summer concert series and of course i save the biggest name for last, me. (laughter) >> stephen: later tonight jack white and i are going to present my new hit song, so wake the kids and ask them who jack white is. (laughter) >> stephen: but first, afghanistan. last night the president addressed the nation from the east room of the white house, or as it's been officially renamed,the i killed bin laden room. (laughter) >> stephen: personally i thought it was in poor taste for them to put up the championship banner. (laughter) >> stephen: anyway, you've all heard the headlines. he has ordered a withdrawal from afghanistan which means obama's a coward for leaving. or for not leaving sooner. i forget which. (laughter) >> stephen: but the real shocker, folks, was where he is wasting our blood and treasure next. >> america, it is time to focus on nation building
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here at home. >> stephen: what? (laughter) >> stephen: we tried nation building in afghanistan. it took us ten years to get out. do we really want to get sucked into another quagmire? (laughter) >> stephen: i mean think of the challenges. if the country was crumbling infrastructure, it barely functioning democracy, large areas completely beyond the government's control, and with a population of poorly educated-- heavily armed religious extremists who hate their government, and i don't even know how to describe the stomach churning human-rights abuses. (laughter) >> stephen: so please, please think before you try nation building here, mr. president. because if you break it, you bought it. and i don't want to see america become america's vietnam. (laughter) >> stephen: nation, as you may recall back in the 80s my band stephen and the
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colberts had a chart adjacent hit charlene i'm right behind you. back then i couldn't go anywhere without hearing it. because i had it on a loop on my walkman. (laughter) >> stephen: well, i am now mounting a rock 'n' roll comeback with the help of rock legend jack white who you probably know best from the band that shares his name, the jack stripes. (laughter) >> stephen: last night jack agreed to produce my new song on his label third man records. and tonight like pink, i'm coming up so you better get this party started. (laughter) >> stephen: and the exciting conclusion of -- stephen col better presents 2011 and 1, a rock odyssey.
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-- jack white. i knew jack white wanted to produce my record but i had to find out what his label had to offer. this is the record store, huh. >> this is the record store, yeah. >> stephen: this is where the magic happens. >> i don't think any magic happens here. people just buy records. (laughter) i guess it's magic. >> stephen: abracadabra, cha ching, dow have an album by the guy, not on the album but he also does a song that goes-- ♪ ♪ ♪. >> i don't know. >> stephen: there's a bell in it. he goes-- ♪ ♪. >> we only sell the records that we make on this label. >> stephen: you might have recorded this guy. >> you don't his name. >> stephen: no, i don't think it's a guy. >> you remember any of the lyrics, the words to the song?
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>> stephen: oh, or ah. oh! >> does he say ooh like that in the song. >> stephen: no i had it and you talked. (laughter) i don't know. >> okay. >> stephen: rod stewart. >> okay. >> stephen: got any rod stewart. >> no, we don't. (laughter) >> stephen: what have we got here. >> this is called the third man monkey band, so you can hear music before it comes out on record. pop a quarter and you get to listen to unreleased music. >> stephen: could i get 50 dollars worth of quarters. >> okay, all right. >> stephen: thank you. put that here. >> i actually had it. >> stephen: thank you very much. would you like to play a song. >> no, i'm just-- i have to do some laundry. the weather, tyvec, the green horns. >> they name their album four stars. >> stephen: that's pretty smart. then everybody has to give it four stars. >> except rolling stone only gave it three and a half
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stones. [bleep] not cool. >> stephen: [bleep] rolling stones. now that's rock 'n' roll. >> yeah, it is. >> stephen: you are too young. >> stephen: i disagree. >> are you the one that maybe-- . >> stephen: it wasn't that hard. i love these covers. these are beautiful. where do you get these? >> we shoot them here so-- . >> stephen: i need a cover. >> what is more important to get you singing on a photograph. >> stephen: i'm ready for the photograph. >> we can do that but do you have time to sing for the record though. >> stephen: we'll see. for my cover photo jack thought i should be a little more rock 'n' roll. all right we have to get ready for the album cover this is wardrobe. >> yeah. >> stephen: this is where the magic happens. >> makeup. where the magic happens. >> stephen: part of the magic happens here. i think the third man records is no place where magic doesn't happen. >> thank you. >> stephen: you're welcome. >> that is a compliment. >> stephen: thank you, an i accept your apology.
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>> all right, let's talk about my look. >> okay. >> stephen: all right. >> you should think maybe loosening up a little bit. i think a lot of people my think the this-- (laughter) hello, ladies. >> how about darker clothing if are you going to play with these girls, they are a little gothie. i think you need darker clothing. >> stephen: there was one look i knew jack would love. >> i don't know, no, no, i don't think so. >> stephen: must be like looking in like a sexy mirror. (laughter) right? >> they are going to say that you dress like the white stripes. >> stephen: no, you're dressed like the white stripes. >> i think-- . >> stephen: you are the one trying to look like jack white. >> either way i don't think it's going to work. no i don't think it's going to work. (laughter) >> stephen: my moves are you doing. >> i don't think so. >> stephen: for the campaign. you're not using it any more.
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>> i know. but you can't have it. >> stephen: oh, no one but you can wear red. i've got that end of the spectrum. any other part of the rainbow you want to claim. >> it was red. maybe you should try something else. >> stephen: all right. last chance. >> no. >> stephen: i'm giving you one more -- >> no. not going to happen. >> stephen: are you sure? lav (laughter) >> jack whanted-- wanted darker so that's what i gave him. (laughter) >> that's a little darker than i thought you were going to go but that's-- . >> stephen: you said go darker. i can't get any darker. >> you kind of went dark
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shadow. okay. >> stephen: ready to rock. >> all right. ♪ ♪ . >> i don't want to get the grammy in the shot. >> stephen: thanks very much. you can clean that up please. i was looking at-- ♪ ♪. >> we should bring the girls in now, probably. >> stephen: right, right! ♪ ♪. >> in the door.
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>> okay. >> can i show you one more look. i have one more look idea. >> yeah. >> stephen: all right, let's do it. i think you're going to like it. ladies? >> i don't know about that. >> stephen: do you like it. don't hold back. >> i don't really like it. >> stephen: don't sugarcoat it, what do you think. >> i don't see it working. >> stephen: i don't understand what your problem is, jack. i'm happy with this look. the girls are obviously happy with this look. let's try it once my way. and then we'll be done. >> okay. as long as we can get to working on the music i can deal with this. girls, let's go. >> stephen: we'll be right back with jack white. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: well koch back back,-- welcome back, everybody. nation, before we debut my new hit single i'm honored to be joined by my producer, mr. jack white. jack, thanks so much for being here, now you and i have been through some of to the. >> we have. >> stephen: we talked rock.
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we've talked about my look. we've shot a record cover. we've tried to sell yogurt. (laughter) what was it like for a jack white to work with a stephen colbert? take all the time you need. (laughter) >> it was very pleasurable from start to finish, i got to say. >> stephen: me too, man, me too. >> the finish, especially, the finish. (laughter) >> stephen: okay. now my first record which obviously everybody knows is charlene i'm right behind you. and the new record is called charlene two i'm over you. >> parenthesis i'm over you. >> stephen: exactly. do you think this will finally send the message to her that i'm over her? or should i do another record crawled charlene did you get my last record? >> yeah. >> stephen: you think it's done it. >> yeah, or maybe just move on to another girl might be a good idea. >> stephen: it's up to her. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. so did we ever record a
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song. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, good, good. i don't remember that part. do you have it. do you have the record? >> yes, this is it. >> stephen: all right. let's show the folks. ready folks this is it. this is the new record. i think the other side. (cheers and applause) charlene two i'm over you. look at that. look at that. and there's even a limited edition red, white and blue version. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: bling, bling. now i love vinyl. i'm on originalist. and i believe-- i love wax cylinders, i'm an edison man. everything after mary had a little lamb, kind of derivative. >> that's true. you like the warmth s that what you like about the sound. >> i do. i like the idea of having it in your hands, you can hold it. you can't hold an mp3, right? >> stephen: is this available as an mp3.
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>> it is. i understand the portability of that. but this about, you know, putting an object and dropping a need il and sitting down and looking at the cover and reading it. that is the romance of the that we are losing in this generation. you're bringing it back now. >> stephen: so are you. no are you kind of too. (applause) >> is this a petroleum product. >> it is anti-green technology, yes. the opposite. >> stephen: good, because i want to be clogging landfills for centuries. now how can people-- can they get this on itunes. >> they can order it on itunes or third man record on the internet and also you can just mail order and get it at your local record shop which i think is the best thing to do is go to your local record store, mom and pop establishment especially. >> stephen: great way to meet-- great way to meet girls. >> it is a great way to meet girls. >> stephen: and also tomorrow you can see me and jack. we'll be selling my record from the third man rolling record store at the lot below the high line located
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at west 30th street and 10th avenue here in new york city. doors open at 11:00. first come, first serve. so limited space. so don't come. i guess is what that means. but i'm assuming. i've actually got a better way to sell it. this is lo-fi. i think for my song, lower the fi the better. and i've got a lo-fi answer how to sell it we've got this on our web site, okay it says have you seen our cat. and dow want to buy our record. and then at the bottom it's got these little things you tear off and it has have you seen our and it takes you someplace where you can buy the record this is on our web site. you can print these out. i want these all over the united states. i want community associations writing me angry letters that these are in too many places around the united states, okay. you ready for that. >> i'm ready for that. that's good. >> stephen: you think the black belles are ready for
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colbert bump. >> what is the colbert bump. (laughter) >> stephen: you are about to [bleep] find out. we'll be right back with the world premier of my new song with the black belles. we'll be rig [ choir vocalizing ]
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[ horse neighs ] [ whimpers ] ♪ [ crackling ] ♪ [ male announcer ] the story that became a legend, now in 3d. no glasses required. "the legend of zelda: ocarina of time 3d." rated everyone 10 and up.
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>> dr pepper presents coachella-0-leven. ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, now with the world premier of charlene two i'm over you please welcome the black belles. >> stephen: and stephen colbert. ♪ ♪ ♪ i used to be right behind you ♪ ♪ -- hoping to catch your
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eye ♪ ♪ but now i'm half finally say good-bye ♪ ♪ i cannot slip through your door ♪ ♪ won't check your mailbox any more ♪ ♪ i bet you're wondering why ♪ ♪ i'm over you charlene ♪ it's all over now ♪ wave good-bye, charlene ♪ it's all over now ♪ we'll have to be just friends ♪ ♪ got my telephoto lens ♪ i'm over you charlene ♪ i'm just watching you cook dinner ♪ ♪ when i'm perched in your sick more tree ♪ ♪ by the way, you're looking thinner ♪ ♪ not that it matters to me ♪ ♪ your portrait from my front hall ♪ ♪ to a room i barely use at all ♪ ♪ i'm free of your-- ♪ i'm over you charlene ♪ it's all over now ♪ wave good-bye charlene
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♪ it's all over now ♪ no more picking clothes from your dryer ♪ ♪ no more quoting "jerry maguire" ♪ ♪ you don't appreciate me ♪ charlene ♪ so charlene ♪ i'm so over you ♪ so say so long ♪ if i wasn't over you ♪ why i would write this song ♪ ♪ think about it ♪ no more carrying a torch ♪ i'm blowing out the flame ♪ ♪ but if you need to reach me ♪ ♪ my e-mail's still the same ♪ ♪ it's ♪ ♪ whooo ♪ whooo ♪ huh ♪ that's right ♪
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♪ i'm over you charlene ♪ it's oul over now ♪ wave good-bye ♪ charlene ♪ it's all over now ♪ i've finally set me free ♪ baby give you back your stolen key ♪ ♪ i'm over you ♪ charlene ♪ by the way ♪ who is allen? (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: the black belles and stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: remember, folks, the record is available at, right? >> yeah, i think so. >> stephen: we'll be right
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(laughter) >> stephen: well, that's it for stevefest colbchella 0-leven but there are performances on air a at where you will also find an exclusive nine minute catholic throwdown between me and jack. >> dom inus vobiscum. >> stephen: e pluribus unum. now performing a song i made famous. >> it's not famous. >> stephen: the black belles. good night, everybody. ♪ ♪ every time i hear you ♪ ♪ i think of you ♪ every time i am near you ♪ i think of you ♪ i think of you ♪ and i dream of you
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♪ i think of you ♪ floating high above you ♪ you know i'm missing you ♪ my mind's always kissing you ♪ ♪ i'm right behind you ♪ now charlene ♪ waiting, watching oh so close ♪ ♪ i'm right behind you ♪ now charlene ♪ you'll never be alone ♪ no ♪